i cant

i cant stop thinking about my ex.

you know the one...the long term loving, heart breaking, life shi(f)ting ex. yes...that one.

its stormy nights sitting in my apartment alone.

its working late and no one calling to make sure i got home okay.

its everyone having plans, making plans, living lives when i feel like i'm just waiting for mine to begin.

i think its loneliness. its moving. its family. its the sum of all things making me wish i could knock on his door and be around someone who just...knows.

maybe i've been too passive. maybe i've spent too much time waiting for things to come to me while the rest of the world goes after the things they want.

call it exhaustion but for awhile, i went after people i thought i loved. i went after the job i thought i wanted. i went after the city i felt was calling my name...

yet here i am. looking back. wishing for things that have already happened to me.